Loss

So this last week my mom and I found out that one of her friends in AA had passed away..We aren't really clear as to how she passes away, but my mom's initial instinct was that she had a drug overdose because the last time my mom had seen and talked to her the disease had completely consumed her life....That was my initial thought as well though..

When my mom first told me that she had passes away i was in total shock..i think i was more effected by her death then my mom....and my mom was close with her for many years except for these past three because Jackie decided to go back out and use...anyways...I think effected me because i thought to myself "I don't wanna have to bury my mom because of this disease, I don't want this horrible disease to take her from me" after having these feelings and thoughts i talked to my mom about it... and the first thing she said to me was "Jess, I love you and that is NEVER going to happen" and the next thing i said was "Well how do you know?" she replied saying "Because i am willing and ready to get better for myself. I don't want this disease to kill me either" after hearing her say that it made me feel somewhat better...

Still i have been having the same thoughts though, about it. I guess that's what happens with a death effects you that much. Another reason I know it has effected me is because Jackie herself had two young daughters around my age. Jerzy 24 and Taylor 19. Jerzy and I went to high school together and later reconnected when our mom's started to hangout more. When i saw her at the view and funeral yesterday and Sunday i instantly pictured that being me.. i know that sounds crazy and stupid after talking with my mom but that's how i felt... it's a weird feeling..a feeling that right now for me can't even be put in words..

The services for Jackie were so very beautiful. Beautiful flowers, beautiful talks given by her two daughters, sister, father and aunt. They all had great beautiful memories of her. And they forever and always will. One thing i am so very sad about though is that Jacki had a grand baby on the way...but one thing her father did say in his talk was "Girls, just know that your mother get's to meet your babies even before you do, she get's to tell them all the great things about you before they even enter this realm we call life" Right when he said that i started sobbing. It made me think about my grandparents that have passed away and how they are up in heaven playing with my future children and telling them all about me... It's such a beautiful thing to know that. And i am blessed to know that.

So all in all the world lost a beautiful soul this week, but now she returns to be with her heavenly father. You will forever and always be missed Jacki, and i know that you are only a whisper away. Love and Light to you and may you fly with the Angels.

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/saltlaketribune/obituary.aspx?n=jaclyn-kuhn&pid=147650200

That is the link to her opituary, if it does not work her name is Jaclyn Kuhn. I love you miss Jacki and miss you. <3